BOGANS REJOICE: CUB UPGRADES THE CROWNIE


The Crowny, allegedly Australia’s Finest, just got Better-er and Noicer
Ahh, Crown Lager AKA "Crownies", Australia’s “classy” beer. It’s a beer that’s a lot more about image than taste.
The beer people choose at restaurants because they don’t want to look tight by opting for VB. The beer bogans drink at the races because they believe it makes them look sophisticated. Then there are the suit-wearing types who drink it at the pub to make them feel more important than everyone else.
Crownies are like the a second currency in Australia. Crownies always remind me of my sharehouse days at university. I was living with a couple of mates and we were all going our separate ways. My mate Wayne* said he would move in with my other mate Shane*. He found a place and they were about to move in. Then at the last minute Wayne says he was going to move in with this girl instead of Shane. Shane was so heart broken he penned a song "A Case Of Crownies Can't Cure The Pain In My Heart"+
Now Foster's has announced it will relaunch Crown Lager Australia in an effort to improve the company’s position in the nation's premium beer sector. Despite being even more premium the price of Crownie will remain the same.
So what exactly is new? According to Ari Mervis, CEO of SABMiller Asia Pacific, each year after assessing 2000 barley farmers they will "hand-pick the top three" that best meet their strict barley specifications. Additionally, they will only be using “the first choice of the hops harvest”. That’s right, the Crown brew master will personally select the best Pride of Ringwood hops for each harvest from Bushy Park in Tasmania and Myrtleford in Victoria. According to a Crown Lager press release, the new Crownie will be brewed with 100% Australian malt and “drinkers will notice an even smoother, creamier taste. However, it will still have the same taste profile."
But wait a minute, having they been telling us all this time Crownies were brewed using “only the finest malt and Pride of Ringwood hops”? The “finest” surely implies they’re already using the best ingredients. So what swill have they been serving us all these years? This time around they are using the finest ingredients, they promise, but that's exactly what they said last time.
The relaunch of Crownies involves the use of new premium ingredients, new packaging (it won't look like our picture) and a major marketing push. Here are Beeriosity we know throwing the word ‘premium’ into the mix is a sure fire way to produce the contrary. Just don’t tell the masses who have been drinking sub-standard Crownies all these years.
* Names have been changed to protect identity
+A Case Of Crownies Can't Cure The Pain In My Heart
(sung like a really bad love song, "you treated me bad" kinda thing)
a case of crownies can't cure the pain in my heart
your betrayal is tearing me apart
i needed a house, you gave me beer
now poverty and homelessness are my fears, my fffeeeaaarrrsss...
(chorus)
where were you when i needed you?
now you've dropped me in the poo
your betrayal is tearing me apart
a case of crownies can't cure the pain in my heart
you dropped me fast for a hot bird
so now my greivance must be heard
i thought our friendship meant something
now i know it meant nothing, meant nnnoootthhiinngg...
(chorus)
where were you when i needed you?
now you've dropped me in the poo
your betrayal is tearing me apart
a case of crownies can't cure the pain in my heart, iiiinnn mmmyyy
hhheeeaaarrrttt...
(bridge: kinda half singing, half spoken word)
i thought it meant something, you lied
i thought i was a true friend, i tried
i thought i knew your true nature, you lied
i thought it could last forever, i cried, iiii cccrrriieeeddd...
(chorus)
where were you when i needed you?
now you've dropped me in the poo
your betrayal is tearing me apart
a case of crownies can't cure the pain in my heart
a case of crownies can't cure the pain in my heart
a case of crownies can't cure the pain in my heart, iiinnn mmmyyy
hhheeeaaarrrtt...