BOGANS REJOICE: CUB UPGRADES THE CROWNIE

The Crowny, allegedly Australia’s Finest, just got Better-er and Noicer

Ahh, Crown Lager AKA "Crownies", Australia’s “classy” beer. It’s a beer that’s a lot more about image than taste.

The beer people choose at restaurants because they don’t want to look tight by opting for VB. The beer bogans drink at the races because they believe it makes them look sophisticated. Then there are the suit-wearing types who drink it at the pub to make them feel more important than everyone else. 

Crownies are like the a second currency in Australia. Crownies always remind me of my sharehouse days at university. I was living with a couple of mates and we were all going our separate ways. My mate Wayne* said he would move in with my other mate Shane*. He found a place and they were about to move in. Then at the last minute Wayne says he was going to move in with this girl instead of Shane. Shane was so heart broken he penned a song "A Case Of Crownies Can't Cure The Pain In My Heart"⁺

Now Foster's has announced it will relaunch Crown Lager Australia in an effort to improve the company’s position in the nation's premium beer sector. Despite being even more premium the price of Crownie will remain the same.

So what exactly is new? According to Ari Mervis, CEO of SABMiller Asia Pacific, each year after assessing 2000 barley farmers they will "hand-pick the top three" that best meet their strict barley specifications.  Additionally, they will only be using “the first choice of the hops harvest”. That’s right, the Crown brew master will personally select the best Pride of Ringwood hops for each harvest from Bushy Park in Tasmania and Myrtleford in Victoria. According to a Crown Lager press release, the new Crownie will be brewed with 100% Australian malt and “drinkers will notice an even smoother, creamier taste. However, it will still have the same taste profile."

But wait a minute, having they been telling us all this time Crownies were brewed using “only the finest malt and Pride of Ringwood hops”? The “finest” surely implies they’re already using the best ingredients. So what swill have they been serving us all these years? This time around they are using the finest ingredients, they promise, but that's exactly what they said last time.

The relaunch of Crownies involves the use of new premium ingredients, new packaging (it won't look like our picture) and a major marketing push. Here are Beeriosity we know throwing the word ‘premium’ into the mix is a sure fire way to produce the contrary. Just don’t tell the masses who have been drinking sub-standard Crownies all these years.

* Names have been changed to protect identity

⁺A Case Of Crownies Can't Cure The Pain In My Heart

(sung like a really bad love song, "you treated me bad" kinda thing)

a case of crownies can't cure the pain in my heart

your betrayal is tearing me apart

i needed a house, you gave me beer

now poverty and homelessness are my fears, my fffeeeaaarrrsss...

(chorus)

where were you when i needed you?

now you've dropped me in the poo

your betrayal is tearing me apart

a case of crownies can't cure the pain in my heart

you dropped me fast for a hot bird

so now my greivance must be heard

i thought our friendship meant something

now i know it meant nothing, meant nnnoootthhiinngg...

(chorus)

where were you when i needed you?

now you've dropped me in the poo

your betrayal is tearing me apart

a case of crownies can't cure the pain in my heart, iiiinnn mmmyyy

hhheeeaaarrrttt...

(bridge: kinda half singing, half spoken word)

i thought it meant something, you lied

i thought i was a true friend, i tried

i thought i knew your true nature, you lied

i thought it could last forever, i cried, iiii cccrrriieeeddd...

(chorus)

where were you when i needed you?

now you've dropped me in the poo

your betrayal is tearing me apart

a case of crownies can't cure the pain in my heart

a case of crownies can't cure the pain in my heart

a case of crownies can't cure the pain in my heart, iiinnn mmmyyy

hhheeeaaarrrtt...

THE BASHES: THE ENGLAND SQUAD - UPDATED!

The Bashes organisers have slapped England down and forced it to cut two controversial selections out of its squad, the Beeriosity equivalent of the life-or-death Ashes cricket series played between Australia and England.

The overnight move, made without input from the rival Australian squad, led to the overnight removal of the Castle Lager and the BrewDog Punk IPA on eligibility grounds, along with a stinging rebuke from The Bashes management.

"The English team has deliberately flouted the rules - the same rules they used to have one of the leading Austrlaian beers disqualified," a statement from The Bashes explained.

"The English behaviour has been astonishing, especially given that the Castle Lager isn't even from the same continent as England, and that England asked for an Australian beer to be banned, even though it was actually brewed in Australia."

England protested the inclusion of the collaborative beer, Mountain Goat and Mikkeller Gypsy and The Goat Black Pepperberry IPA, which forced the Australian squad into a hasty rethink and cast open voting to replace the beer from its reserves bench.

But the English team defended its original selection and expressed disappointment that it had been forced to change its lineup.

"It's a sad day for The Bashes," the English management said in a prepared statement. "It really wouldn't be an English team without a South African in the run-on 11, would it?"

The Australian team was nonplussed over the affair, indicating that while it was happy to see the BrewDog Punk IPA out of the team, it had no problem with facing the Castle Lager across a cricket pitch.

The changes leave the England team with the standard 16-beer squad, with the final 11 beers, plus a 12th man, to be announced on Friday. The Bashes will be held on Tuesday, July 23.

The revised squad will retain the Courage Director's Superior Ale as captain, because its title also has the words "Courage" and "Director" in it. 

The revised English squad is:

Batsmen (ales)

Courage Director's Superior Ale (c)

Fuller's IPA (vc)

Hook Norton Twelve Days Strong English Ale

Fuller's ESB

Green Devil IPA

Moor Beer Hoppiness IPA

Moor Beer Revival Pale Ale

Timothy Taylor's Landlord Strong Pale Ale

Wicket Keepers

Meantime Pilsner

Young's Double Chocolate Stout

All Rounder

Fuller's London Pride

Wychwood Hobgoblin Ruby Beer

Bowlers

Fuller's London Porter

Meantime Chocolate Porter

St Peter's Ruby Red Ale

Oakham Ale Jeffrey Hudson Bitter

Theakston's Old Peculiar English Strong Ale

Robinson's Old Tom with Chocolate

Reserves

Moorland Brewing Old Speckled Hen

Ridley's Old Bob Strong Premium Ale

Well's Banana Bread Beer

Marston's Oyster Stout

Hook Norton Old Hooky

Samuel Smith's Old Brewery Pale Ale

Samuel Smith Oatmeal Stout

London Fields Love Not War Ale

MOUNTAIN GOAT/MIKKELLER OUT OF THE BASHES!

A key Australian player has been ruled out of the national team for The Bashes after a protest by England team management - and Australia is throwing open the voting booths to replace it.

The Bashes judiciary spent 24 hours deliberating on the eligibility of the Mountain Goat / Mikkeller Gypsy and The Goat Black Pepperberry IPA before declaring that it had too many Danish genes to be eligible for the Australian squad.

The beer, named as one of Australia's key batsmen (IPAs) in its squad for The Bashes last week, will now watch from the sidelines as its half-brother, the Mountain Goat Rare Breed IPA, takes on the English team starting later this week.

"We know this is difficult for the Australian squad, but this is the first series of The Bashes and we don't want it to have its integrity called into question right at the start," The Bashes organisers said this morning.

It dismissed England's complaints over other Australian squad members, which targeted the captain of the team, the James Squire Hop Thief, the he Feral Brewing Boris Russian Imperial Stout and the Little Creatures Single Batch The Quiet American 2013.

"A beer style is no reflection of where the beer is actually developed and crafted," The Bashes organisers declared. 

"Therefore IPAs, American Pale Ales etcetera are all eligible, no matter where they are made. As for Little Creatures, its entire operation was concieved, financed, developed and built in Australia, so we regard it as an Australian beer."

Australian team management has responded by saying it was disappointed but not surprised at the exclusion of the Mountain Goat and Mikkeller collaboration beer. But it said there was a silver lining because it would allow the Beeriosity faithful to vote for the last batsman in the test squad by using either the @beeriosity twitter page, with the #The Bashes hashtag, by mail to admin@beeriosity.com or by using the link below:

http://www.beeriosity.com/beerios-forum/

While the move leaves Australia one batsman short, it has a strong list of reserves, including the:

Endeavour 2012 Reserve Amber Ale

Doctor's Orders Intraveneous Black IPA

Harts Pub Third Birthday Celebration IPA

Kooinda Black IPA

Little Creatures Shepherd's Delight Red IPA

Mornington Peninsula Imperial IPA

Red Duck Bengal IPA

Riverside 77 IPA

Six String Dark Red IP

Stone & Wood Jasper Ale

The declaration by The Bashes also forces the England squad to announce its own team, which it had delayed by suggesting it would wait until after the eligibility hearing to see who it would be competing against 

THE BASHES: THE AUSTRALIAN SQUAD

Australia has shocked The Bashes followers by announcing its 16-beer Bashes squad three days early.

The Bashes, the Beeriosity equivalent of The Ashes, the ancient, life-or-death cricket series played between Australia and England for the last 130 years, will pit Australia's best 11 beers against England's best 11.

The skipper will be James Squire's Hop Thief, which Scott Ellis gave 10/10 when he reviewed it here and it's captain because if it's going to take on the English, the Australian team captain needs a name that will get the rest of the rowdy bunch into snooty bars at 2am and James Squire is a very respectable name. And it's a Thief, just like the delightful convicts that founded Australia.

Unlike The Ashes, though, the English won’t be allowed to substitute in South African beers, Welsh beers, Scottish beers, New Zealand beers or even Australian beers to hide their weaknesses. It will just be English beers.

And just as a cricket team has its batting and bowling divisions, with an all-rounder who can do both and a wicket keeper who is just a bit different to everybody else, so will The Bashes.

One beer style won’t dominate the team, so each team will have ales, it will have lagers, it will have porters and it will have IPAs, plus an oddball to cover the wicket keeping position.

Then we will add up the ranking scores (or the average of them, if the beer has been reviewed by more than one reviewer) to find The Bashes champion.

The squad is:

Batsmen (ales)

James Squire Hop Thief American Pale Ale (c)

Ekim After Battle Pale Ale (vc)

Feral Brewing Fanta Pants IPA

Holgate Millenium Falcon IPA

Mountain Goat and Mikkeller Gypsy and the Goat Black Pepperberry IPA

Mountain Goat Rare Breed IPA

Sideshow Ticket Booth Pale Ale

Wicket Keepers

Feral Brewing Boris Russian Empirial Stout (wicket keepers are often that shape)

Young Henry's and Doctor's Orders Night Nurse White Stout

All Rounder

Little Creatures Single Batch The Quiet American 2013

Bowlers

4 Pines Keller Door Chocolate Porter

Balmain Brewing Pilsner

Cooper's Sparkling Ale

Holgate Empress Imperial Mocha Porter

HopDog C Bomb Double IPA

Moondog India Brown Ale

Reserves

Kooinda Black IPA

Stone & Wood Jasper Ale

Endeavour 2012 Reserve Amber Ale

Doctor's Orders Intraveneous Black IPA

Harts Pub Third Birthday Celebration IPA

Little Creatures Shepherd's Delight Red IPA

Mornington Peninsula Imperial IPA

Red Duck Bengal IPA

Riverside 77 IPA

Six String Dark Red IPA

ENGLAND SPARKS SELECTION CONTROVERSY!

England management has refused to release its squad for The Bashes 2013 until organisers judge its protest against the Australian squad.

The protest, lodged on Sunday night, questions the eligibility of one of the beers in the Australian squad in particular, but has dragged into question three other squad members, including the captain, James Squire Hop Thief.

In a prepared statement, the English Bashes team management said it was shocked that Australia had the audacity to nominate the Mountain Goat and Mikkeller Gypsy and the Goat Black Pepperberry IPA when Mikkeller was a Danish brewer.

"It's a sad day for The Bashes when the Australian selectors have to turn to a Danish brewer to fill out their quota of beers to take on our lads," the English said.

"We were stunned to see a Mikkeller beer in the lineup. Nothing against Mikkeller as a brewer because he's always making interesting beers, but how can you have a Danish beer in an Australian team?"

But while the focus of the protest was the collaboration IPA, the English management also called into question the legitimacy of the James Squire Hop Thief, the Feral Brewing Boris Russian Imperial Stout and even the Little Creatures Single Batch The Quiet American 2013.

"The Hop Thief is an American Pale Ale and America isn't Australia, is it?" they complained.

"We have several questions about the Feral Brewing beer. Firstly, it's Russian, secondly it's Imperial so that means an Empire like we have and thirdly the review came in on Sunday, so that's too late to be eligible..

"And Little Creatures is well known to us, but the beer is called The Quiet American, so that's obviously questionable, but isn't Little Creatures owned by the Japanese now?"

The Bashes management has promised to fully investigate the English complaints and will release its findings by Wednesday.

"We are reviewing the protest in the interest of a fair competition and a legitimate result," The Bashes founder Michael Taylor said.

"I must say, though, that a couple of the comments in the protest seem a little spurious, but that won't stop us from thoroughly investigating everything they've protested against."

Australian team management, on the other hand, were decidedly nonplussed about the protests.

"We have a strong squad and a remarkable list of reserves, too. We are confident that our selections are all legitimate, but if The Bashes finds one or more of them were not, we will abide by their decision, confident that all of our reserves are strong enough to slot straight into the team and give their all to defeat the English."